shadow and moe

this blog was never meant to be this personal. just semi-personal, in the way that you would talk to an acquaintance. but since joining dailybooth (multiple pics of myself daily, online?!) and youtube (making an entire video in spanish?!), i feel that i can be more open to the internet community. if you are reading this, it’s most likely because i know you or you know me, either in person or online. i’m trying to be more outgoing, and that means coming out of my shell once in a while. so, here goes… my first deep blog post. warning: this is really long.

i’ve been exceptionally down lately and need someone to talk to. i can’t really talk to my friends since my voice is totally shot (i’m balls-to-the-wall sick), so i am turning to this blog for comfort (and advice?).

first an update, or a little background, for those who don’t know me.

i was dating “this guy” for over three years. we lived together for over two. we had talked about getting married and had even looked at rings a bunch of times. we had our ups and downs, sure. the down times were usually caused by me wanting more out of the relationship. we would talk about things to be improved on, work on them for a while, and revert to old ways, etc etc.

i finally decided it was enough, and i was tired of not being happy all the time. so i broke up with him on january 31 and moved out on march 1. i make it sound so impersonal and easy, but it was utterly difficult as you can imagine.

a question i asked myself over the course of the last few months is, “if you are dating someone you truly ‘love,’ could you ever think about breaking up with them? shouldn’t it be a thought/feeling you can’t even fathom?” i never felt like i couldn’t live without him. sometimes i wanted to be single. but i liked the comfort of a relationship, so i stayed around.

i’ve done some stupid things since i’ve been officially single. like messing up a good friendship by trying to make it more than it was. and now it’s weird trying to remain friends (for me at least). but you can never take words/actions back, can you? and feelings don’t fade. this situation makes me extremely sad, and is what gets me down most days.

i’ve been living alone for one month now. one long, lonely, cold month. after the breakup, i concluded that i need to do some soul-searching. i don’t know what i want out of my life right now. i don’t even know who i am.

one thing i’ve discovered is that i fall for guys too hard, too fast. i’ve known this about myself for a while, but never as much as i do now. when there is someone who shows interest in me (provided he is cute and not a total creep), i can usually get pretty interested in him too. i think the problem with past my relationships is that i get way too in to the person i’m dating or hanging out with, and unfortunately for me, they usually don’t feel the same way.

but i ask you, there MUST be someone out there that is cute, funny, caring, thoughtful, smart, and witty, and who will fall for me as much as i fall for them, right? i wonder if i would like that though. i love attention. but sometimes, when i step back and ask myself, “if someone crowded me this much, would i like it?” i answer “no.” so i try to give more space. i have to consciously think about it, which is not normal (?) for most people, but i try to be less overbearing.

when i talk to one of the people i “like,” i feel better. even if it’s just talking about work or anything normal. just hearing from him is enough to make me smile.

i don’t know what the “point” of this post was, except to get my feelings out there.

i’m ready to move on. to meet someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. who enjoys my company as i enjoy theirs. someone who is a little bit anti-social, but outgoing and motivated enough to make me want to get out there and see the potential of the world.